Cracked

i never knew about it until i found it out myself. discovering bit by bit, no changes at all. guess its nature. but, its really eating me up from inside. i dont know if i think too much, or the way i think is too extreme and beyond the limit. i keep on telling myself, let lose. im too tighten up by 'my' surroundings. one thing for sure, im being over-protective. is it wrong to act that way?

why cant people understand it? why must we please people when they asked us not to, but they cant do us the same favour in return? they said its not serious, but it will happen when u keep on doing the same thing. people do have feelings, and it will bond even close when u keep on teasing it. do not play with peoples feelings, or you'll end up hurting yourself. fcuk! i feel like killing someone now. my heads almost cracking up.

oh please~ do me a favour. think about the future what lies ahead, not thinking what to do next to please you and in the end hurting everyones feelings!

Final Countdown

its almost end of march. almost the time that we all new-comers are waiting for.. ever since all of us was posted to our respective school.. messages are always like:

1. " sigh, im broke.. "
2. " bila la mo gaji ni.. kering suda "
3. " mau shopping pun nda larat suda "
4. " tunggu gaji dulu la baru beli "

... bla bla bla, and all kinds of pathetic excuses (including me!)

thats what we call life as a government servant. but its okay, all i know we cant wait for next week!!

yuhuuuuuuuu~~~ KK, here i come!!

Goodbye Atuk~

13th March 2010 (Saturday)

During this 1 week holiday, hubby and i planned to go to KK last saturday to checkout the bridal shop packages for our pre-wedding photoshoot. While waiting for hubby to pick me up, mum received a phone call from my young uncle.

Mum: I'm going back to KB now. Ur abang Adi called and informed nenek janggut is very sick.

*nenek janggut is my grandma's younger brother who converted to Muslim

So i called hubby to inform him that we have to pay a visit to nenek janggut.. from KK straight direct to KB. He said "OK"..

On our way back, sent hubby's mum and dad at Penampang because they'll be back to Keningau on the same day to accompany Irene driving back home. While me and hubby were rushing back to KB and to pick Maureen at Inanam. We arrived at KB around 7pm.
Get ready and went down to visit nenek janggut. Seriously, he's in the condition where he cant speak and breath. I think his time is almost there, he looks very pain and unbearable.. Around midnight, we went back home to sleep. While hubby and the boys stayed back for drinking session..


14th March 2010 (Sunday)

Early morning around 5am, aunt nining received a phone call from my aunt Disah. Nenek Janggut passed away peacefully around 4am. No one noticed because everyone was asleep. For the 1st time i saw grandma crying. She was really sad for the lost of her brother. Im sad too and relieved (not happy cos he's dead, but glad that finally its over and he dont have to suffer from his sickness anymore). We quickly get ready to go my uncle's house and were among the 1st person to be there. Sadly, we payed our last respect to nenek janggut, he was 'sleeping' peacefully, no more pain. By 7am, few of our cousins came when they heard about the news. Around noon, nenek janggut was burried next to my great-grandma and great-grandpa. Everyone payed our last respect before he was burried and the Muslim people do their prayers for the very last time.. May his soul rest in peace~

Went back to KK in the evening cos hubby have to work on Monday and sis Maureen have to finish her thesis cos its due by this week..

Some other time we'll do our bridal survey.. Still have time before May.

Holiday..

escaped work today. supposed to be the person-in-charge for msssm board mark.

who the hell really cares about that? the whole week i was alone taking care of it, except for a day when siti came to accompany me. there was supposed to be a rotation about who should come to take care of it, but u know, when u're new and quite dumb to say 'no' to them.. thats when u suffer because of your own stooopidity.

nevermind about that, 1 week holiday will be next week. will be going down to kk with hubby tomorrow. have to survey for bridal shop.. early phase of our preparation. but the bad thing is have to be back to tenom this wednesday cos have to teach my year 6 students for additional english class. and also the worse thing is hubby will not be back with me cos he have to work outstation for the whole week! dang!

im actually sleepy. but waiting for my songs to finish download. and waiting for hubby outside hanging out with the rest of the family enjoying their tapai session since last nite.

oh. speaking about stupidity. i did mention about me acting stoopid recently. and yes, i keep on thinking about it over and over again. its trying to change me slowly. im trying to change slowly too.. i made a huge mistake towards myself. my self-destruction! oh gawd! what am i doing with my life??

hubby said "we need to go to church." and i agree with him.

My Bad!

recently, i discovered something i didn't like about myself. it's something can be controlled, but its all from me.. whether i can handle it or not.

i was being damn selfish and inconsiderate. i know i'm acting weirdly. sometimes being too pushy. but i dont know why i cant stop myself from doing it. the shadow of the past keeps on haunting me and its very hard for me to let go. i keep on reminding myself and reminding him not to think of the past. but seems like im the one who cannot let it go.

and now it already happen, and regrets cannot take it back. im so ashamed of myself for acting like a 15 year old girl.

i need strength to believe. i need support to make me believe. i wanted to trust him so much. avoiding all those negative thinking. why must i be soo selfish? why must i have these arguments all the time?

sometimes i was wondering, whether he'll get bored of me one day and leave me just like 'he' did. but i do blame myself for being like this. i seriously need to change. to be more understanding, more 'rational(?)', more loving, have faith and trust in him.. most of all, i need his support to make me believe. his patience to love me.

am i over-reacting? am i being too protective?