bored and hungry

im hungry.

attending a 3 days course makes me happy cos it means i'll be back to my hometown. my 2nd day today attending our phase 3 course for MBI. and today is our pay day! yay~ what a good day for me. yesterday went shopping with cousin Lay. and today dont know whats our next plan.

and now.. still hungry. another 1 hour to go to wait for our breakfast to be served.

today i want to go to the bank to bank in some money and to shop, shop and shop.

will continue again later, mr. gordie is giving his lectures right now.. hehehe~

mi amor

I must learn to love the fool in me
the one who feels too much,
talks too much,
takes too many chances,
wins sometimes and loses often,
lacks self-control,
loves and hates,
hurts and gets hurt,
promises and breaks promises,
laughs and cries

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been..

_________________________________________________________

each time when i browse the net and see most happy couples posting their pictures together, held each other tight in their arms.. i really envy them. how i wish i'm happy like them. how i wish i can be like them. i don't want anything else. i just want to be loved and to love. i just want to feel the warmth having someone who really care. i just need something that make me feel special. all i want is happiness. why is it so hard for me to have it? and why is it so hard for you to show it? i just don't understand~~

trust is thy name

catched up with an old friend of mine. he was giving me some useful advice. an opinion from a guy is totally different from girls. i need to hear from both party.

i'm getting too emotional day by day. i tried my very best not to be, and i'm still trying really hard to avoid all those negative things. dang! how i wish i'm strong!!

i need strength to believe the positive side. i need more trust to believe.

it's already late. 0048 hours. need to sleep to wake up early. hopefully my day will get better and better day by day.

losen up the grip!

i was chatting with my bff last night.. and she's sensing something is wrong about my life. well, typically i'm fine but the way i sound doesn't sounds soo good at all ☺ ahh~ the repetition of life complains.. that's all about it.

maybe i'm too tighten up with everything. i need to relax, chill and loosen up myself. there's one word that describes me right now.. INSECURITY. yes, that's exactly what i'm feeling at this very moment. and it has been a shadow of mine since the day when something had broken me into pieces.

lately, i've been thinking too much and worrying too much. but thinking back, seems like it's not worth it at all when the other way round is different. yea, i cared too much about everything but in return, i receive nothing. how can i let myself loose?

give me time to let everything go slowly. i don't want to know and i don't even care what's happening next. i just want to go with the flow and see what's next ☺

postponed

finally, the decision is clearly stated that the 'ringing bells' will be next year.

honestly saying, i'm frustrated. very much frustrating when the planning was discussed since end of last year and till now no actions were done. i can't blame anyone on this matter. it's clearly both sides fault. and yeah, i'm still frustrated. maybe i'm hoping too much on it. i need to chill out and cool down rather then letting my head spinning like crazy trying to push something that is clearly unstated.

whatever. since baby molly is here, it's easier for me to release my tensions. i'm living my life to the max. forgetting about everything. whatever consequences that may come, fcuk it and just let it go. and i don't want to give a fcuk about it anymore. i'll just wait and see. if one wanted it badly, it will surely 'do' it.

i'm now sitting alone in my rented room. i'm clearly bored. tomorrow school starts. it's already monday. can't wait for friday to come. will be going down to kk with cousin memei, girlfriend chi and another 2 kids. babysitting. haha. but i have this feeling that this coming friday we all will be having a real blast. and i seriously want to get myself drunk and forget about everything. EVERYTHING!

sounds like now a days i've been complaining about life. it really sucks. i just want to let go of something that's really hurting me. it's been clinging on me all the time and each time it's almost falling down, the cling then suddenly became tighter again. i wonder why..

i'll tell the good news when it's officialy confirmed. so please don't ask me when. i'm too stressed out to think of it. it should be functioning when both party are communicating. am i right?

bitter sweet life

i was on facebook when my ex-housemate @ friend buzz me for a chat. he said he need help. and i asked what kind of help.. another friend of mine is in deep shit. i asked what kind of trouble he's in to? he said.. "dia mo commit suicide"... then there goes the silence..

i thought my friend was just fooling around with me just to get my attention. but he insist on me to check up on our friend. so i gave our friend a call, there he was, talking to me emotionally crying. i asked what's wrong with him? he said his life is a mess. he gave up on almost everything he's been doing. i felt pity on him. he was once married and blessed with a cute daughter. but his marriage didn't work out because of 3rd person. of all this time we thought he had recovered from his broken marriage, but what we guessed were wrong. he cannot bear everything alone. he was cool enough to hide his emotions but wasn't cool enough to keep it to the extend he want's to commit suicide. as a friend, i tried giving him some advice, i don't know whether it really works on no cos me myself having my own personal issue. i tried my very best to convince him that doing that is not gonna change a thing. we still have our very own friends and family who still cares..

he was crying while we were talking. i tried to listen to every word he's trying to tell me but his cries is more louder than his words. all i could hear is his murmuring to me as if he's whispering but in a loud version. he feels lonely after what his wife had done to him. and his few attempts in having a relationship with someone else didn't work. he needs time to heal.. and someone who truly can understand him and be there for him to be his shoulder to cry on. continuing his story, he misses his daughter and ex-wife very much. what can i do? i can only listen to his pain. at least to ease the burden he's been carrying for this past few years.

i know how it feels missing someone badly. cos i'm missing 'him 'very bad but i don't know how to tell him. i then told my other friend to go and visit him soon as possible cos he sound critically in a bad situation.

i don't know what's happening next. he'll keep me update when he reaches to our friends house. i hope nothing bad will happen.

now waiting for the updates.. hope everything will be fine. 'everything'.

free as a bird

whatever it takes to make you happy, you can do whatever you want without having to consider others feelings. you were never wrong, it was me to be blame..

Free as a bird,
it's the next best thing to be.
Free as a bird.

Home, home and dry,
like a homing bird I'll fly
as a bird on wings.

Whatever happened to
the lifes that we once knew?
Can we really live without each other?

Where did we lose the touch
that seemed to mean so much?
It always made me feel so...

Free as a bird,
like the next best thing to be.
Free as a bird.

white flag

i gave up almost everything of what i'm dreaming of. my hopes and dreams. i've been pushing myself off the limit already and yet there's still nothing i can do.

my heart is hurted deeply each time when i think of it. worse then ever. i've been playing with my own hopes and dreams and whatever i try to achieve and make it to happen, it was just another fantasy of mine.

i'm too exhausted and tired of all these silly arguments. day by day i'm pressured by it but some people just don't understand.

reality does bite. and it already bitten parts of me that it hurts badly.

i surrender.